Before you get married, you know that it’s going to be hard work and that it’s not going to be fun and games. Even after the wedding, you have little bits and pieces to adjust to and it all takes time. But you don’t really understand how hard you have to work at it until things go wrong. Everyone is so used to seeing the happy couple, “they’re so cute” etc etc. Yes, that’s because we don’t parade our private lives out in public. It’s not for you to know.
Fighting is normal, and as a friend pointed out to me: healthy. A part of me knows she’s right. But I hate fighting. I hate admitting I’m wrong. I hate the shouting, the crying, the extreme emotions, the puffy eyes the morning after. I’m a pretty hard-ass person when I’m angry. I put my bitch face on, and God help you if you attack me because your head WILL be bitten off.
The thing is when you’re married, you’re not just fighting with any old person. And I’m learning this step by step. I’m learning how to watch what I say to people when I’m angry, how I say things to others, and the impact the things I say can have on someone else. You should never go into a relationship in attempt to change someone to be how you want them to be, but it’s something else entirely when you work together and through discussion come to realise things about yourself and how perhaps there are small things you should/could change. It’s not that the other person is trying to change you, they’re only trying to help you be a better you.
I feel like I’m growing up. I’ve realised that fighting and arguing isn’t just about who is right and who is wrong anymore, as it was when we were all children. There can’t always be a winner or a loser. At the end of an argument, you want to come out with a better understanding of each other and learn something new about yourself, your spouse/partner, how you handle situations. Arguing isn’t about winning, it’s about coming to a mutual understanding, and learning more about yourself from it.
I only recently turned 23, and have only been married for a mere 6 months. But there really is a lot you can learn is such a short amount of time. I’ve been told that the first year of marriage is the hardest, and it really has been challenging so far. No matter how much you love your spouse to the end of the earth and back (and probably more!), you will not evade a big argument, no matter how perfect your relationship. This may not seem like wisdom to those who’ve been married for years and years, but perhaps it could serve as a gentle reminder.